Narcissism - The Beginning

A little background...

Bennie and i went to the same school.  He was a year ahead of me.  I remember him as an arrogant, brute.  In fact, i couldn't stand his personality.   It was an agricultural school, far from home so we stayed in dormitories and only went home every other weekend.  

One afternoon i remember, and this was the first time i think i met Bennie... me and some of my girl friends went to the boys dormitory, the one he stayed in.  As we were chatting in his room as a group of friends (i was new at the school), i remember he took a girly magazine, flashed it open, shown a picture of this woman, posing in a bathingsuit, provocatively, and in my mind, made a very disrespectful remark about the woman's private parts.

That day, i knew already that i dislike him.  I didn't mince words, he knew how i felt.  At one of the School dances, someone brought a wig to the dorm we were in, i got dressed for the dance, put this blonde wig on, it looked very natural, my friends and i laughed and we decided that i will attend this dance dressed in the wig for fun.  Bennie didn't realise it was me.  As we danced in a circle, he stepped in front of me, basically in the middle, in  the circle of my group of friends, and came on to me, at first i laughed and played the part, we told everyone "she, i" is my niece.  When he got too serious i pulled the wig off and told him straight forward that i will never ever be interested in him.   

I dated his friend, whom later became the headboy the next year.  We were a power couple.  That was the last time i heard of Bennie.

After my divorce, my kids and i stayed in a flat in the South of Johannesburg.  This was about 10 years after school.  One night i got a call on my cellphone out of the blue.   It was Bennie!!!  I didn't even know he knew my real name, as we all had nicknames in school, let alone, my phone number.

I was shocked yet intrigued as to his reason for calling me.  We were adults now and i wasn't about to treat him the same but were still suspicious.  He told me he was visiting a mutual friend that my brother strangely enough now works for.  So that is where he got the number from.

They invited me  to come over and say hi.  To my detriment i went, mainly because my brother was there as well.  Shockingly i found him to be witty and all grown up, very different to the Bennie i used to know.  Afterwards he took me through the drive-through and even danced with me in the parking lot.  It was big fun.

Even though we had contact telephonically every now and again, i went on with my life, as did he.  I became a very successful Rep for a Digital Company and part time i sang at Pubs and also Dj'd, so basically i had two jobs, being a "strong", single Mom.

One night an old school friend of mine, invited me for a night out with the "girls" i thought.  When i got there i found out, she had invited Bennie too.  3 girls and Bennie...

It was a good night, i got a little tipsy, something i didn't do at all was to drink so the liquor made me flirt with and kiss Bennie.  Bare in mind, i have at this time been single for almost 10 years and missed having someone that cared about me.

Long story short, he came back into my life.  Now here is where you should pay attention....

This time Bennie sweeped me off my feet, he did the strangest but sweetest things, like jump out of his car while we are standing at a red light to run and kiss me quick, then ran back, just cute gestures and he won me over within weeks.  Literally weeks.  I was 20000% certain he was the one.  Let me just backtrack here a bit... yes i kissed him once in the past, but know this, i didn't date ar all.... i kept to my girl friends and the two jobs kept me very busy, it took me years to get over my Husband after our divorce.

Although he had a hangover on our first official date, i didn't think too much of it as it didn't influence his behavior, he was sweet and attentive, although as an orphan due to parents that i remember as being heavy drinkers, i promised myself to NEVER be involved with a drinker.  

Bennie had long conversations with me, i really felt that he knew me inside out and i him.  I heard stories from his past that explained his "trembling" that shocked me and empathy for what he went through poured out of my pores for him.  This part too is very important and i will get back to it in later blogs.

We got married after a few weeks!!! This shocked me later as i NEVER even considered marrying again and for sure not that quickly after meeting a guy... 

2 and a half months of bliss, my kids loved him, i got a long with his family very well as they knew me from back in school as well.  It felt like a match made in heaven.

The Flip of a switch....

The honeymoon was over, abruptly.  It was asif i was married to a stranger.  My kids and i got to know what it feels like to walk on eggshells every day.  He turned in to a rude, verbally abusive man that i at times despised.  The first of many turning points happened.  

In short, Bennie and his boss were the reason for the almost drowning of not only 3 black boys, but myself, my daughter who jumped in to help, my son and my daughter's friend.  At least the Boss got in to try save one but also found himself almost drowning.  Where was Bennie i see you asking.... on the shore of the dam.  Laughing at us as while i am screaming for help inbetween swallowing what felt like gallons of water.  I was furious.  Let me explain it a bit better.... 

After his boss jumped in to save the one boy that seemed like he was drowning, the other two boys also started drowning, so i jumped in as well as when i asked Bennie, he refused, knowing that i was a very strong swimmer, i didn't think twice.  Unbeknownst to me that the dam water had long grass in it that hindered anyone trying to swim due to the water level being a bit low.  By the time i got to the 2nd boy i knew i was not gonna make it.  It was such a real struggle to stay afloat especially with the boy also dragging me under that i didn't even know that my kids after seeing us all struggle in the water, followed suit and jumped in after their Mom.  At this stage my kids was 15 and 13... it was my daughter's birthday!!.  After a few attempts to call for help and seeing Bennie laugh at (i thought me only), something inside me broke.. i got angry and with what i firmly believe "God's" help, i remember to lie on my back.  I yelled out "lie on your back"... this saved all of us.  

When i eventually reached the shore safely with the boy, as i turned around i saw my kids and everyone come out.  Now let me tell you... you know how i knew how close we all came to dying?  I saw mucus on the small boy's noses and mouth and then i realised i had it too.  We basically all had it, we blew through our noses so hard trying to clear our airways while drowning that standing on shore we had white stripes of mucus running from our noses over our mouths.

I thanked God in my mind, checked to see if everyone was okay, took my kids and went home.  I left my husband and his boss right there.  I couldn't believe that he abandoned us and laughed while 8 people almost drowned in front of his eyes, him and his Boss being the reason for it.

Mindgames....

Then Bennie started with his mindgames.  He made himself to be the victim, stating that he won't come home  and that he will sleep in his Company bakkie at the jobsite (a extremely dangerous place especially for whites in the heart of Joburg called Hillbrow)...  he made sure to mention how dangerous it was, to be honest i didn't even care about it at that stage that is how furious i was, but oh boy did it work with my kids.... they changed my mind into letting him come home... the chance he has been waiting for.

Now this piece gave me chills not only that night, but the more i think about it later on.  When Bennie did come home that night, he came home with a gift... something he must have bought somewhere, now in South Africa the African people are extremely creative and we get a lot of beautiful stuff they make themselves.. this was a strange one though...

It was quite late already, dark i would say, when he finally got home... it was a wire that was bent into  the shape of my old school nickname with beads all over... "Sammy".  What is the chance of him finding that specific "gift" that night at that hour in such a short time...  it haunts me still.

I will cut it short for now...  i will continue what we went through during our 2 and a half years of nightmarish ordeal.

Be on the lookout for my next blog