Narcissism - The Honeymoon Period is over

Flipping the switch

A thing to remember is that i was a strong, independent woman, used to problem solving and making good decisions.  I rarely doubted myself nor the decisions i made.  I had two jobs with a very good income, taking home R40 000 plus a month from my one job and the music all together brought in a great amount too.  I had a extremely close relationship with my kids, had a few close friends and had close family ties.  I loved life, laughed and made friends easily.

I had 3 parts to play.  The loving Mom, a Christian that took marriage seriously, and Bennie's wife.  

 

(A bit of background of where i stood psychologically).  After being an orphan and someone that made a promise to herself that i will never let my kids know what it felt like to be me as a child, rudderless, and not having both a mother and a father that cared, so having 1 divorce under my belt already made me feel like i failed my kids although i went back about 6 times to try and make it work, but unfortunately it never did.  

By now, my kids father passed away from a heart attack and i got married to Bennie after being alone for 10 years, mourning him.  So i really wanted this to work and not fail.

A sudden change...

Bennie showed real remorse over what happened at the dam, he made all of us believe that he was the victim.  Once, the night before with placing himself in harms way wanting to sleep in Hillbrow, now with the explanation he gave...  " I nearly drowned years ago with my younger brother, so i basically froze".  

Let me tell you something... if you NEVER met a Narcissist, you will believe what they are telling you because they are the best actors you will ever meet (Seriously!!!) And we did.  We felt sorry for him, "forgetting the smile he had on his face while we were busy drowning". (And it was not only me that saw the smile, my kids said they saw him smile too, confirming what i saw that day)

For a few days all felt fine again, then he flipped the switch, very subtly.  You almost never see it, you are often left doubting if they are really guilty at all...

I had my kid's father's pictures against the wall in the Lounge for them to still have him there in a way.  It hung there for 3 months not being a problem at all during my marriage to Bennie.  He came to me and explained how it made him feel like he doesn't have a place as the man in the house.  He did it in such a way that it left me feel guilty as his wife.  (This part i still feel ashamed of, and that is the thing with being involved with someone with a Narcissistic personality, they make you question yourself and bring doubt in every spectrum of the way you used to think)  i know this now, i didn't then.

I understood it the way he explained, again, like a fool.  Felt sorry that i made him feel like nothing, explained it to my kids, and i took the damn pictures down.  I can not tell you, looking back at it, how my heart breaks for my kids sake.  Still today i feel like i failed them a LOT during my marriage to Bennie.

Things seem to be okay.  (If you are clever enough reading this, you will see what i am saying... things are okay, not even close to the love for life the 3 of us were used to.. already - 4 months into the new marriage.

When things were good between Bennie and me, it felt like heaven on earth, it felt like it is the best part of love you have never known, but if he flipped the switch, it was a nauseating nightmare.

The JO-JO effect...

It will be up and down, there was rarely a week that passed with no conflict, verbal abuse became the norm, every third day or so, over NOTHING.  This was new to me, before this we (the 3 of us, my kids and i) never even knew what yelling in a house sounded like.  Bennie would create conflict over the most dismal things and rev you up, stirring the pot, until you feel like a beast you never even knew you had inside.  I will never forget this day.  (Again, so ashamed of my behavior here, i felt it that day too but was trapped in this whirlpool he created over absolutely nothing - i can not even remember today what it was about).  

Let me explain a bit how it feels to be in the middle of such a phenomenon - Imagine someone slapping you through the face, running away, swearing at you, slapping you again, over and over, yelling insults over and over, coming back over and over to hit you and running away making you feel helpless - now imagine doing this VERBALLY!!.  You get mad and you can not even help yourself feeling this way.  For the first time in my life, my kids and their friends had to go sit on the sidewalk to ESCAPE the yelling coming from the house.  (I cringe as i am writing this)

(By this time, after such an event you doubt yourself as a mother, you doubt that you are even a good human being, i lost a piece of my Soul this day) and my kids surely lost a bit of their mother.  Little by little you write off who you think you were.  Suddenly you are in the middle of an identity crisis.  You are also almost too ashamed to ask for anyones opinion, because you already lay the blame solely at your own feet.

It seem very easy to say, walk away right?  Not at all.  Now i know why it was so difficult.. if you have never met a Narcissist, you have never known a more manipulative person in your life... why you ask?  Because after such an ordeal, he would seem like the most volnerable, gentle, caring person in need of YOU to help him change for the better and he will say this to you, he will NEVER say he is sorry, he will just beg you to help him be a better man.  This is a weapon he would successfully use throughout, without you even knowing that you are being played.  Having the prior divorce and being a Christian i felt like i had to stay through the good and the bad, as his wife, i had to try even harder then i tried during my first marriage.

That's enough for now. Just reading through this i am trembling again, it put me right back there.

Read my next blog to find out more about what happened next