Narcissism - Why it's hard to leave

I should have left him more then multiple times but didn't... here's why.

I will give the information about why i stayed at the end.  Let me first share a few scenarios of why and when i should have left long time ago.

He broke his ankle in a lift at one of the jobs he had.  If i spoke to him during the day, being a rep on the road, he apparently couldn't get up and make himself something to eat.  Also for some reason never asked the kids to assist.  With all the turmoil inside my brain by now plus the added stress i quit my job.. thinking that music alone will still bring in enough money as i was quite busy and planned a whole other stream of income involving music.  On Paper it looked great... in reality it didn't.

(Example) If i got paid R1500 a night for a gig, his bill would leave me with less then half the amount i worked an aditional 7 hours for.  This caused a lot of problems - well extra stress.  

During such nights i had to work hard to entertain 300+ people while i looked at my husband flirting with others in front of me.  Once he even went to a "rugby game" while i was Dj'ing and would you know it... pitched up with the girl at the pub.  Oh wow was it a horrible night.  We had a fight, lived together (he for the life of me would NOT move out.  Said he pays the house while my income pays for Groceries and the car, so if anyone should leave, if would have to be me), but i wanted out and this was his way at making me pay.  That night his girlfriend whom also went to the same school as we did by the way, wanted to come say hi.  I suspected she was on drugs at the time due to the way she acted a few times that ì saw her prior to this night and because the girl i once knew was not the same person that stood in front of me that night.  

I felt insulted and told her i do not feel like hugging her.  Boy did Bennie grow a smile... he had me and he knew it.  He threw full on insults at me in full view of everyone i worked for at this pub for four years already.  It was about 2am in the morning, i was so tired.  I decided to keep quiet.  It worked for a while until he pushed the million'th button.  I snapped.  It became important to me to explain to her who he really is.  They could hear the raw in my voice, see agony through my eyes.  It didn't matter.  Instead i had to listen to him yelling to her, how bad i was in bed.  I died again that night.  I could feel myself slipping away.

Can't remember what happened this time that i told Bennie i wanted him to just leave me, i was very adamant until...

I left for the pub, Bennie left early in the morning for work already.  I was glad to see my whatsapp has been read, hopefully he will get the message this time.  Just past 7pm that night at the pub i Dj at, i received a whatsapp.  It was Bennie.  "I have been stabbed".  My heart skipped a few beats.. not because i was glad.  No remember in my mind he is the love of my life with Brain malfunctions and a lot of past trauma, yes i couldn't take it anymore but can i hand him to death?  

I asked him to send me a picture.  I had a nursing background and can advise him.  The picture never came.  About an hour later, Benniè walked into the pub.  Typical (Sad face - the icon you know)... in rescue mode i rushed over, his arm had a cut. But not that deep, just through the skin... i changed the music and took him to the bathroom, washed it off and bandaged it.  It wasn't deep enough for stiches.  Take a look at the end to see what i found out later about this situation.

On  another day that i had enough again, i would always still continue being decent enough to fix him food and take him coffee.. which i did this day again.  When i opened the door to the back room where he sat drinking, sulking and listening to music to hand him his coffee, i got the shock of my life.  A rope neatly hung and was draped over the wooden roof poles, noose and all.

I remember another time he seemed depressed, i got worried although i still want him out and he still made it clear he won't leave... i decided to invite his friends and daughter over as a surprise... yes call me an idiot but maybe at least it will lift the mood in the house for just a second.  Bennie thanked me by telling everyone that visited in front of me, how he just before had to stop himself from pushing a steel screwdriver into a transformer.  

This i almost forgot about.  We met a lady at the pub where i made music for over 4 years already.  For some background.  Bennie insisted that we both have eachothers mails coming to both our phones so that at least if he received a job request and his server was slow, that I would receive it and could inform him.  Didn't know yet that this meant that now my contact list and his was Synchronized.  Again the same situation as above... told him to leave, he wouldn't of course as usual.  It was a Sunday.  This time Bennie asked to borrow money, aparently he got invited to go play golf with one of his friends.  I borrowed him the money.  Something about things he told me made me suspicious about this girl in the Pub the week before.  I toĺd him straight that night that i knew somehow he went to her as his explanations didn't add up.  Then he told me he was invited by her for a Sunday lunch, this was what he told me over whatsapp.  

I must be crazy... i sure felt it.  But by now our routine was the same.  He would do these absurd things and a day, week or so later turn it all around with the most beautiful words or realist explanations... so yes i was saddened by this and i felt threatened that i might lose him to someone better then me... oh my Gosh i want to throw up while typing this.

I went to visit my girl friend.  The only one that always listened, never made me feel like a weakling and still supported me because everyone else dumped me by now.  I explained what happened, this was the day i found out that our contacts was synchronized.  Going through my whatsapp contacts (if i think about it now, probably to see if i can find a shoulder to cry on) other then this friend who never tried to talk some sense into my head.  Suddenly i saw the name of THAT girl on my whatsapp.  I was taken aback as i knew i never had her number.  

I decided to stay strong.  I sent her a message.  Telling her "i know about their Sunday lunch and i truly hope it works out.  What happened next was bizarre.  She called me, confused she explained that she NEVER invited him over.  I sent her the messages that he sent me and she was as shocked as i.  She whatsapp'd him immediately asking him why he lied to me dragging her into the middle of our ugly marriage, even sent me the screengrab where he tried to explain that i lied and made up stories and of course that i was the typical jealous wife.  He didn't know that i sent the proof where he admitted it, to her.

I don't even have the will to continue as these still weren't the worst of it but i am spent just thinking back and hope to never again.

Just to get back to the stabbing.  I am 1 million percent certain he cut himself.  Here's why...

As he explained it he was attacked at the outside of his bakkie door by someone with a carpet knife.  Now i previously was married to a Police officer.  If something didn't smell right, i investigate..

NO blood on the outside of the bakkie door.  Almost NO blood on the inside of the bakkie, no cloths with blood on it to explain the lack of blood in the bakkie either.  There were like two drops where i suppose he sat in the bakkie, waiting for my Empathy response, and i think when he saw that it worked... that is when he cut himself, knowing he had to make it look believable.  I also went through his toolbox.. i knew he had a carpet knife... the blade was gone.  I also remember that when i saw the cut it really looked like there was a faint first cut, and then the deeper cut on top of it.  Lastly for the first time i noticed that he had a old scar on the same inner arm (Left - Bennie is right handed) but that scar seemed to have been VERY DEEP which by this time i was certain that somewhere in his past he had done this to someone else.  Also when someone attacks you with a carpet knife you dont just knick the skin...

Why i couldn't leave...

The words.... "Sammy, you HAVE to help me be a better man.  I do not want to be this person.  As wife and Christian, i felt i had a duty.

The mutiple suicide threats

The dependency  (Financially) now on him

I also had nobody but my son, please i beg you, do not leave your family at the mercy of the Nrcissist, he uses it against her stating things like, at least when i mess up i come back and fight for our live.  How can you be loved by them, they left you.

I don't think you understand fully.  This man lied to me on RELIGION level.  I will never forget the last attempt Bennie made to get me to really believe he can change for the better.  

It was 3am in the Morning.  By this time i made up my mind i knew i tried everything and to believe he is who he shown that he is, he slept in the bed and for the past month i was sleeping on the couch, i lost my daughter, she moved out, i am sure she hated me by now and i still feel it was well deserved hate...

Drunk as a scunk he woke me up, and begged me to go outside so he could talk to me.  Tired i got up  just for my son's sake as to not wake him and his friend, so i went outside.

This is what he said...  " Sammy, you know how in bed you always ask me to pray out loud for us?" I of course answered yes...  " i couldn't he said, because the things i had to pray for, you couldn't know of"...  after another few lies i caught him in i got up and went back to bed.  

Bennie moved out.  He knew it was over.  He still tried though.. by leaving his property and telling me, he would come and fetch it when he is ready.  Thanks to #Ladywithatruck posts on Narcisissm i knew it was another play on his chessboard.

I packed his stuff personally, packed it next to the furthest fence in my garden, took a picture, told him to NEVER ever enter my house again, and if his stuff gets stolen, he had enough time to fetch it.

Thank you #Ladyinatruck #Mom #Liseswart from #wieisek #rsg opening my eyes to Narcisissm.  If it weren't for all of you i am certain that i would NOT have been here today to tell my story.

In a way i am still haunted by the type of Mom i was in these times, i will always blame myself.  But i know now that i love my kids, always have.  I was played and drove to the brink if insanity by a Real Master Manipulator.

While Married to the Narcissist

What i looked like when i got rid of him

Get well.. You owe it to yourself and the ones who really love you